Alone For Christmas

This is hard.. Going through a deployment is always gonna be hard. But for some reason this one seems like its going to be the worst one. He left me... a month after we got married. During this deployment I moved into our first house by myself, I spent Thanksgiving without him, I decorated our home for Christmas this year without him beside me, I will wake up on Christmas morning with him across the world, and I will go into and come out of Surgery without knowing he is here to take care of me.

   I have been doing really good lately. I have been keeping busy, being happy. But its been slowly coming back.. me being sad. Im terrified to go into this surgery without him knowing I wont have him by my side when I wake up. So terrified in fact I dont want to do it at all.. I tell my self everyday Im gonna wait, wait till he is home with me. I know I cant..... It breaks my heart that I have to go through something without him, alone... when I need him the most. Then I think about all the other things he has already missed or will miss. Thanksgiving wasnt Thanksgiving.. dont get me wrong I had fun but it seemed like just another night with friends not a special holiday because I wasnt with him or any family. Knowing that I will wake up on Christmas morning alone kills me... Its not Christmas with out him... I feel like I just want to take down all my decorations and forget its only 25 days away sometimes... and today is that sometime... I sat there looking into my living room staring at the lit up Christmas tree and the lights in the windows with dinner cooking... cooking for one... and it made me remember Im alone... that he is half a world away and we cant be together... I dont want to do this anymore. I would give anything to have him here to hold me tonight... everynight...