Missing Him so much

Today is Military Appreciation day here in Mountain Home ID. We have  big parade and festival. This day has made me miss Matt so much. I rode on his squadrons float and was celebrating a day he should be here to celebrate too. I am here watching Ohio State beat Miami.. Thats Matt's favorite team he should be here watching this with me. He should be laying with me and taking the dogs to the park tonight with me then we come home and fall asleep watching a movie we have never seen or one we have seen a million times. He should be doing all of this stuff with me. He is missing so much these next six months. I know its 10x harder out there for him. I am lucky I have our home, dogs, and all the normal stuff while he is in  place thats not home that we arent at and he is working long hard hours in a very dangerous place.. but that doesnt mean I dont hurt too, that I dont miss him more then anything in this world. I really need him here holding me tonight.. and forever.

Your on the Air

Well I did it. I went on and did a live radio interview this morning. I was sitting there thinking yesterday after I agreed to do it and was trying to figure out why I said yes. I came to realize that 1. I am so proud of my husband and I want the world to see that 2. How can I say no to Mrs. JoAnn Carpenter and 3. Because its a once in a life time opportunity. So why not right? Well it went really well! It didnt just go well it went great, and was really fun! We decided to go on in groups of 3 instead of individually which made it less nerve wracking. The table was set up in the Mountain Home AFB gym next to the Bistro so alot of people were walking by and stopping and staring to see what was going on. Its not every day you see a live radio station set up somewhere you pass by everyday. Soo I did it. I conquered y fear.. well maybe not conquered it because I will always be nervous doing thing like that, but the point is I did it. I reached out to people and told the a little more about a life as a military spouse.

Live Radio Interview

Public speaking is one of my worst fears.. so why did I agree to do a interview on live radio at 7am tomorrow? Im not exactly sure. I got a call from Mrs. JoAnn Carpenter the squadron commanders wife asking if I would like to do it and as she is sitting there explaining what she thought might happen I am telling myself NO NO NO DONT DO IT JUST SAY NO THANK YOU! But then all of a sudden I hear my self tell her of course I will let me know the time an I will see you tomorrow. Then within seconds my hands started shaking and I started getting all sweaty which I can imagine will be the same thing that will happen to me tomorrow. I never even liked talking in front of 20 of my classmates let alone thousands of people I dont even know. Well here I am playing over and over in my head the types of questions they will sk me ( about Matt deploying, being a military wife, if we have any children, etc) and how I might answer them. I love the military, yes my husband is deployed, yes its sad, no we have no children.... can I just leave it at that? Hmmm probably not. Man oh man Im hating myself for saying yes... do they have classes on how to just say NO! Because I afraid Im not too good at it. Lets just be thankful that this is  radio interview and not a tv one. Oh Boy here we go.....

Better day

Well today was a much better day then the past two days. I didnt get much sleep but more then I did the night before. I stayed up most of the night talking to Matt on Skype and then I actually got a phone call which was amazing. I loved seeing his handsome face and hear his voice. When I wasnt talking to him I actually fell asleep. I think being able to talk to him for more then 5 minutes and seeing him put me at ease and let me relax alot. It was really nice. Also he was in the airport for a while today so I got to chat with him on IM for a few hours. It was amazing. I might not get y usual full amount of sleep tonight because Im gonna still wake up to see if he is online often but I think tonight I will get the most I have had since this past weekend. It should be nice. Then Im off till 5PM tomorrow so hopefully I get to talk to him in the morning.
   Although being able to talk to him put me at ease now he is  in Iraq and that is going to make me nervous all over again. Now that they took combat troops out it scares me even more then if they had combat troops. So that might keep me up at night.... man Im ready for this deployment to be OVER!! Miss you baby

Military for 20? Or get out?

I have been  the one that has wanted Matt to stay in for the full twenty years or longer. He always brings up getting out going reserves and doing something else preferably in the law category. I never liked that idea. I can now say that I want him to get out. I am 100% sure that I do not want to live this life anymore. I dont want to go another day without him, another night. I want him to come home to me in six months and be here for good. I dont want to worry about the next deployment. I want more then ever for him to come home and tell me he is never going anywhere. That he is getting out of the military. I want to move to Ohio now and start our family now. I dont want to wait to move to Ohio and buy our house, I dont want to go through any more deployments after this one. I dont want this military life anymore. I know this is so selfish but the hurt of him being gone is way to bad. Im ready to have a normal life with the man I love. The one I am going to spend the rest of my life with. I never thought I would want to leave this lifestyle but I want it now and I dont know how much longer I can wait. Hopefully I dont have to wait any longer... I will give up seeing the world as long as I have him home for good. Its in Gods hands now... that and my husbands.

1st night

Well last night was the first night I slept without Matt. I honestly thought I would fall right asleep because I had such a sad and hectic weekend. All the teas would have made me fall right asleep... that was not the case. I was up for hours on end waiting for a phone call or email. Then about midnight I fell asleep only to wake up 30 minutes later to check my email and phone. I did this all night. Even when I knew he was on a 6 hour flight and I could sleep sound till about 6am. I was still up every hour to check for something from him. I needed something from him. At about 8 am I woke up for good. Took a fast shower and since have been attached to my computer. He was online for a few minutes which was nice but not nearly long enough. Then seeing a picture of him that was taken at an airport in Maine made me loose it all over again. I hate this, the fact I cant call or text him any time I want. Or even hug or kiss him. Today sucks. I am hoping to dont miss something an email or call while Im at the eye doctor today...

Gone baby gone

After 6 months of preparing for the deployment, being taken off the deployment and put on a job change list, being taken off the job change list and back on the deployment list only a month before the deployment, having a set deployment date, moving it up, then moving it back hours before leaving time twice, Matt has left for Iraq. Let just say saying goodbye more then one time in the same weekend because of the time  change is way worse then having to say it one time. The last one was still of course the hardest. I almost expected a phone call saying the time has changed yet again on our way up to base, but as we were sitting in the squadron and the bags were already loaded my stomach started to turn because that one was the real one... the last goodbye for six months. As I expected the goodbye sucked and was the hardest thing I have ever had to do to this point in my life. Most of the time Im ok surprisingly but then I remember how long he will be gone and how long that really is and it starts to suck, and when it sucks it hurts. The next few weeks the laundry will be done and his clothes will be folded and put away his smell will slowly fade away and it will all become real that he isnt just working for the day. Yes all the rest of his stuff is here but its not the same as having him hold me at night. This is where the MILITARY LIFE SUCKS comes into play. But other then that I dont mind it one bit lol. Its going to be a longgggg six months lets just say that. If your reading this baby... I miss you, come home soon.